CHILDREN AND TEEN CARE

What Is Active Listening?

By Richard Asa and Temma Ehrenfeld @temmaehrenfeld
 | 
January 30, 2024
A child smiling eating breakfast

You can learn more about what’s going on with your kids and get their input on family decisions if you teach active listening skills. Here’s what you can do.

In a perfect word, your children would always tell you what’s bothering them or what they need. But in today’s imperfect world, it takes parental skills and patience. 

You won’t learn much if you just nod your head and don’t really pay attention.

 

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If you want your child to listen to you, listen to your child first. The true story could take a while to emerge; that’s where patience and time comes in. If you get frustrated, count to 10 in your mind — but don’t ever pop your cork. You’re sending the wrong message that will create a hot-headed kid.

Practice listening by staying in the moment. You probably have 100 different things vying for your attention, but you should be there completely during that time with your child. 

While you listen, look your child in the eye and show genuine concern; never treat a problem as insignificant. In your child’s world, today’s problem could be huge.

In an example about a preschooler from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC):

“You pick up your daughter from preschool. She is crying and tells you that her friend took her favorite toy and stuck out his tongue at her. You show her that you are actively listening when you say, ‘It seems like you are sad about your friend taking your favorite toy.’

“Your daughter continues to cry and nods her head. She says that she thinks her friend will break the toy. You show her that you are still actively listening, saying: ‘So you are scared that your friend might break your toy.’

“At this time, your daughter calms down a bit. You and your daughter continue to talk, and she knows that it is okay to be upset. She has begun to learn how to label and cope with her feelings by talking to someone.”

Labeling feelings is an important skill that many people don’t use as adults. But knowing you are sad or angry, rather than vaguely upset, can help you resolve the emotion and decide what to do.

Don’t worry about getting it wrong

You say: “It sounds or looks like something is bothering you.” Sit with your child but don’t speak. You can hold her hand and eventually say something like: “Maybe you are scared?”

Even if you think she should be responding in a different way, let your child say what she’s feeling. More than one word might apply; people can be sad and angry at the same time.

Children usually will correct you if you aren’t picking the right words to help them define their feelings.

Keeping communication open

You might wait until bedtime to have a heart-to-heart chat. With the light dim and you sitting on the edge of the bed, your child is more likely to feel relaxed and open.  

If you have more than one child, consider making an appointment with each child sometime during the day. That communicates that you want to be available and will make sure each child has your undivided attention for that period of time. Devoting time to your kids helps build trust.

Try being positive and uplifting. You are talking about a problem your child has, but it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. 

See the humor in your everyday relationship with your kids to lighten the atmosphere a little. Practice smiling, which is uplifting for anyone in any situation. You may even want to consider what you’re going to say during your nightly appointment. How much time you spend is less important than whether you listen well, and your child feels heard and enjoys your time together.

If you have more than one child, recognize that each is a distinct personality. You may have one who has no problem telling you about her day, so much so that you have to slow her down to separate the wheat from the chaff.

On the other hand, you may also have the classic grunter whose reticence is a challenge but not insurmountable. You have to be there when they need you, grunts and all. 

Trust your kids to be involved in family decisions. Respect what they have to say. 

When listening is hard

Listening isn’t always easy. You might hear something you wish wasn’t true or don’t like.  What you hear could change your view of your child, her school or friends, or other family members, including her siblings and her other parent. You may hear something that will make you feel you want to change your own behavior.

Kids are smarter than you might guess. They often know what they need and will show or tell you what to do.  

“Be especially sensitive during times when your child searches you out to talk,” says clinical psychologist and author Ruth A. Peters, PhD. “Even if your kids have the uncanny knack of uncorking their emotions in the middle of your important phone calls, take the time to listen. I know that it may be inconvenient to break from your thoughts or work in order to pay attention, but if you don’t take advantage of the moment, you may not have it again.”

No matter when your child decides to open up, stop what you’re doing, listen, and take it seriously. 

It may sound complex or unnatural, but there is a four-step process that will improve your understanding and make your child feel heard if he or she brings up a problem:

  • Restate the problem.
  • Ask if you correctly understand the problem.
  • Ask your child for her solution to the problem.
  • Offer your own solution if there is one.

 

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Updated:  

January 30, 2024

Reviewed By:  

Janet O’Dell, RN