Why Am I Lonely?

There’s a national epidemic of loneliness. You can fight it if you find out why you are lonely and how to take action to protect your mental and physical health.

Loneliness is not a new phenomenon: It’s probably been around for as long as humans have existed. Everyone feels a bit lonely now and then, depending on life situations. It’s normal to feel lonely for a while if you move to a new community and don’t know many people at first, or you suffer the loss of a spouse or friend, for example.

But when you experience loneliness most of the time that becomes chronic, month after month, it can be physically and mentally unhealthy.

If feeling lonely has become a near constant part of your life, you aren’t alone. Chronic loneliness has become an epidemic in the U.S. In fact, research shows the number of Americans reporting loneliness has reached an all-time high, according to a report from the American Psychological Association (APA).

A national study found nearly half of 20,000 U.S. adults surveyed felt alone. Many felt downright isolated. These numbers are worrisome because of the health and mental health risks associated with ongoing loneliness, the APA points out.

That’s why it’s important to understand why you are lonely and how to change your situation.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: Does Loneliness Cause Addiction?

Risks and causes of loneliness

Brigham Young University psychology professor and neuroscientist Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, estimate ongoing loneliness raises health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or having alcohol use disorder. Loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as being significantly overweight.

What’s more, a review of causes and consequences of loneliness, published in Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, concluded the latest evidence indicates feeling chronically lonely is associated with an increased risk of heart disease and stroke as well as a heightened risk for mental health problems, such as depression and dementia.

Why you feel lonely most of the time can have several causes. The COVID lockdown and the increase in more people working alone remotely contributed to more social isolation, according to researchers.

Fewer Americans are active members of churches or synagogues — a source of social contacts for previous generations. In addition, recent U.S. census data show more than a quarter of the population lives alone, according to researcher Holt-Lunstad.

Some people may have difficulty meeting and communicating with people, resulting in social isolation and loneliness. Psychologists have tested whether lonely people are in their situation because they lack basic social skills, such as failing to notice facial expressions or misreading them.

It turns out that social skills aren’t the key. Instead, a team of researchers, including psychologists from Florida State University and Northwestern University, found that some people who are lonely experience something akin to athletes who “choke under pressure.”

“Lonely individuals may not need to acquire social skills to escape loneliness; instead, they must learn to cope with performance anxiety in interpersonal interactions,” the researchers concluded. If you don’t learn to cope with that anxiety, you may end up acting in odd, off-putting ways in social situations, which can inhibit your ability to make and nurture contacts and friendships.

Help for loneliness

Living or working alone doesn’t mean you are doomed to a lonely life. Nor are you necessarily at risk for health consequences of being alone more than you might like to be. How you perceive your circumstances matters tremendously.

“People can live relatively solitary lives and not feel lonely, and conversely, they can live an ostensibly rich social life and feel lonely nevertheless,” write psychologists John Cacioppo and Louise Hawkley.

If you are not happy with your feelings of social isolation or lack of meaningful contacts with friends and family, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends you take action.

Self-help tips from the CDC include using social media and virtual technology to stay in touch with friends and family. Don’t just scroll through posts but use time online to actually connect and interact with others.

Instead of focusing on “why am I lonely?” and being caught in a cycle of ruminating, thinking too much about your situation, practice self-care, the CDC advises: Be kind to yourself. Read, listen to music, exercise, or learn a new skill.

It can also help to change your perspective about having too much “free time” alone as something that’s negative, according to a Penn State study by an international team of researchers. They found that getting into what they call the “flow” of meaningful, challenging activities during free time alone not only soothes feelings of isolation and loneliness but also increases positive feelings, even when higher levels of social support and contact aren’t available. 

“When people become engrossed in what they are doing, they enter a state that is called ‘flow,’” John Dattilo, PhD, professor of leisure philosophy, activities, and research at Penn State explained.  

Playing a musical instrument or painting a picture can induce flow. So can writing a story and doing physical activities like biking or skiing. In fact, the researchers found that spending time in activities that you enjoy and put you into the “flow” during your free time can reduce loneliness and boost happiness.

If self-help measures don’t relieve your ongoing feelings of loneliness, it’s time to seek professional help. Loneliness can impact your ability to concentrate, disrupt your sleep, influence what and how much you eat, and even make you feel fatigued, according to the CDC.

If you are anxious, depressed, or even unclear about why you feel lonely, ask your doctor for a recommendation to a counselor, psychologist, or other mental healthcare provider to find ways to help you feel better and more connected to life.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: Our Mental Health section