Don’t Send that Angry Email, Text, IM, or Comment

If someone makes you angry, take some time to calm yourself before writing back. Venting may sound harsher electronically and even make you angrier.  

“Don’t hold it in,” people say. And people do tend to say they feel better after venting anger or frustration. But it’s important to know that venting can heighten anger. It can also backfire, big-time, if you vent at the wrong time, to other people, spreading the damage.

Angry electronic communications amplify the impact of your anger in ways you can’t control. They tend to sound angrier than you might in person. They may be saved long past your anger. They may be misinterpreted — and forwarded. In work or community settings, they may hurt your reputation, pegging you as a complainer or emotionally volatile.

Emails, texts, and IM messages can feel private if you’re in your bedroom or huddling in a corner over a smartphone. But they’re not really private once you hit send.

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Shouldn’t you express your anger?

Both Aristotle and Freud subscribed to the idea of catharsis, the benefits of getting “your feelings out.” Therapists tend to agree, as well. Suppressing your anger may be linked to illness, and admitting your anger may motivate you to take needed action.

If you want to stop feeling angry, however, expressing it may not be the right move, according to several researchers. For example, you might hear the advice, “Punch a pillow, let it out.”  Research hasn’t backed up that idea.

In one well-known study by a team led by Brad Bushman,  PhD, at Ohio State University, 600 college students wrote an essay on abortion and then received a negative critique from someone who pretended to hold the opposite point of view.

One group of students hit a punching bag expressing their anger at the person who critiqued them. Another set also hit a punching bag — but simply for exercise. A control group did nothing at all.

Afterwards, when the students reported on their moods, choosing among a list of adjectives, the people who had pounded the bag while thinking about the critique were the angriest.

Therapists sometimes encourage patients to express anger as a way of avoiding despair and self-criticism. Anger is more energizing.

Anger can lead to a burst of tears, and crying can feel good. But, again, crying isn’t a reliable way to purge yourself of sadness. Especially if you tend to be depressed, anxious, or confused about the sources of your emotions, some research suggests you may not feel better after a burst of tears.

Electronics amplify anger

Whether or not it’s good for you to express your feelings privately, going public should be a well-considered strategy.

Electronics have made it easier to vent, removing useful safeguards. In the past, it took more time and effort to vent, which also gave you more opportunity to cool down. You had to pick up the phone or write a letter, find a stamp, and mail it.

If you vented in person, you had to face the recipient’s response. Fear isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if it keeps you from taking unnecessary risks.

The internet is famously volatile, with tempers flaring, particularly on comment threads. Flame wars set a bad example; it’s easy to get sucked into the free-for-all.

You might even fool yourself into thinking that you’re exercising your civic duty. But those lengthy monologues tend to entrench commenters into their opposite viewpoints.

"When you're having a conversation in person, who actually gets to deliver a monologue except people in the movies? Even if you get angry, people are talking back and forth and so eventually you have to calm down and listen so you can have a conversation," says Art Markman, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

Slow down and think

Instead of venting, you might eat a piece of fruit; other research suggests that people have less self-control when their blood sugar is low. As Bushman and his colleagues put it, “a spoonful of sugar helps aggressive and violent behaviors go down.”

Praying helps reduce anger, too, as does meditation.

We tend to get angrier when we think that our anger is getting worse, that the danger is increasing and that the window for action is closing.

Psychologist John Riskind, PhD,  at George Mason University, who has studied that sequence of thought, suggests checking in with yourself frequently if your anger relates to an ongoing situation. Are you getting angrier over time? Less angry?

At any one moment, you might label your feelings with an analogy to a speedometer: Are you at 90 mph (boiling, explosive), 50 (agitated and perturbed), or 40 (ruffled or displeased)? If you’re above the speed limit, imagine releasing the gas pedal to slow things down just as you would driving. Then ask yourself at the lower speed whether the person bothering you is open to a solution, or worth your anger.    

The bottom line: Know thyself. If venting helps you, it’s an important tool. But slow yourself down and think carefully before you let loose in a text, email, IM, or on social media. If you’re determined to respond electronically, wait a couple of hours or, even better, a day.

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